help

Home away from home away from home

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I’m back from vacation (or holiday as I call it). There are some photos to look at at the end of this post, you’re welcome.

I’m actually still in an Uber on the way back from the airport. Normally we get the Blueline into Chicago but we have been travelling for 13 hours and I needed a break from people. Talk about life of a Prince!

I missed Chicago, I also missed Scotland, and Manchester, but mostly the people in all 3 places. We got to see my (mums side of the) family, my husbands family, our friends, and one show in the Edinburgh Fringe. All in 6 days. I’m shattered.

I wore my kilt- which finally fits again after a humiliating wedding where the wrap-around traditional wear didn’t quite wrap around due to my increased waist.

I’ve struggled with my weight over the course of 15 years- which I think I touched upon when talking about marathon training. If anyone wants to discuss my eating disorder/weight gain & loss mentality, message me on Instagram and we can have a chat. I’m totally open.

back to holiday (vacation).

i loved seeing Scotland again. I forgot how much green there was.

I also feel that living in America put me in a bubble as to what’s going on at home- and I really must challenge myself to read more, rather than follow along with tweets.

My family were happy to discuss the current political climate, with one talking about their travel plans for work meaning they arrive in mainland Europe on October 31st, the day the UK is meant to leave the EU. If Boris has anything to do with it, with no deal and a whole load of problems from that.

Ill be talking more about Brexit and my understanding of it again I am sure. Please be aware that I am not an “expert” on it, or politics, but I do live in this world, so my experiences are still valid. Even if they are naive.

America has opened my eyes to the obvious racism that exists in the world. My whiteness has shielded me from this for years (Privilege) so I didn’t get that the colour of your skin creates so many barriers. The closest I can get to understanding it on a personal level is because I’m gay and effeminate. Though the latter can be “acted out” if the scenario needs.

I actually found Manchester to be a very diverse place to walk around in, even in comparison to Chicago. Every race, colour, class, lifestyle can be found in and around Picadilly Gardens. Going to work, shopping, eating, travelling, hanging out with friends, family. I was happy to see everyone going on about their day. But that’s Manchester people, always busy like bees.

Recommended reading for this blog post:

Why I am No Longer Talking to white people about Race by Reni Eddo- Lodge.

Recommended podcasts:

The Friend Zone

The Read

The Stoop

I don’t want to speak for black lives, and want you to hear them directly.

Colin x

Running a marathon is hard

It’s not meant to be easy, I know. But I forgot how much of my time it takes up. I ran the Edinburgh marathon in 2013 and forgot that I need more rest than usual. Trying to fit my work life, cake life, and day to day life into my schedule is tough. Especially when my brain just wants to quit and play Skyrim all day.

In my old age I’m barely social as it is, but this new training has left me shattered. I have recently spent some time with a nutritionist who took one look at my food diary and said I clearly wasn’t eating enough. So that’s something I’ll be working on.

Eating and preparing food has always been an activity I’ve struggled with. Which sounds strange from someone who loves baking. I always feel guilty for eating too much, or eating something considered wrong. Maybe it’s societies expectations for male bodies and whatnot. But no matter what is said, it’s just how I process the eating to survive “habit.” It usually crops up as an issue when I’m trying to regain control. By controlling my diet I feel like I have more of a hold on my life. I’m also aware it’s usually when I’m avoiding something I could easily change or do. Isn’t it fun how the brain works?

It’s not that I feel shame about my body, or that I feel disgust or anything like body dysmorphia- I just know I could have a healthier body, because I did once. I know what I was eating, how my life was, what I was doing, my social life etc. And the result was an outer body that matched my ideal self. I also had more energy.

Back to marathon training. This time around, and 6 years later, my legs have taken a bit longer to get used to the training. Probably because I was doing a lot more running on a treadmill. The Chicago winter was too brutal for outside running. so inside I went. My style of running has been hard to adapt to “hopping” on the treadmill, and I usually find my calves are sore for much longer than when I run outside. But any movement is better than no movement, so I take it easy if I have to do a treadmill run.

Today I ran 9 miles. I loved it. I had so much fun. My ultimate goal is to run this marathon under 4 hours. In reality, I just want to finish it having enjoyed myself. The Edinburgh marathon was so much fun on the day, and I still remember how much I loved the cheering from the crowds. What can I say, I love applause.

In conclusion to this stream of consciousness, marathon training is hard, my legs are tired, I’ve had to sacrifice some future goals in order to train properly; but I am happy. Oh and I got new trainers.

Colin xx

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